Understanding Behaviour & Strong Emotions | Everyday Parenting Guide 03

Understanding Behaviour and Strong Emotions

Looking beyond behaviour to understand what your child may need.

About This Guide

All children experience moments when their emotions become difficult to manage.

They may shout, cry, refuse, argue, withdraw, throw something, slam a door or behave in ways that are difficult for the adults around them.

Younger children in particular may express what they are experiencing through their behaviour when they don't yet have the words, understanding or emotional skills to explain what is happening.

It can be tempting to see these moments simply as bad behaviour. But behaviour doesn't happen in isolation.

A child may be tired, hungry, frightened, frustrated, disappointed, worried, overwhelmed or struggling with something they cannot yet explain. They may be testing a boundary, seeking greater independence or discovering what happens when they make a particular choice.

Sometimes behaviour is deliberate.
Sometimes it isn't.
And sometimes it is a mixture of both.

This guide isn't about finding reasons to excuse behaviour that is unsafe, harmful or inappropriate.

It is about recognising that understanding what may be influencing a behaviour can help us decide how best to respond to it.

We can remain curious about what sits underneath a behaviour while still providing boundaries, encouraging responsibility and helping children learn different ways to respond.

1. Looking Beyond What We Can See

Behaviour is what we see. What we don't always see immediately is everything that may have contributed to it.

A child refusing to get ready for school might be testing a boundary. They might also be worried about something happening that day. A child becoming angry when asked to stop playing might simply not want to stop. They might also find transitions particularly difficult. A teenager slamming a door may be communicating frustration. They may also be overwhelmed, embarrassed, hurt or simply unable to find the words they need in that moment.

This doesn't mean we need to analyse every behaviour or search for a hidden explanation whenever our child does something we don't like.

Sometimes children simply make choices.

But curiosity gives us another question to ask alongside: “How do I stop this behaviour?”

We can also ask: “What might be contributing to it?”

The answer can change what we do next.

2. Feelings and Boundaries Can Coexist

Children need appropriate boundaries.

Boundaries provide predictability, help keep children and others safe and gradually support an understanding of responsibility and how our actions affect other people.

But maintaining a boundary doesn't require us to dismiss the emotion underneath the behaviour.

A child can be allowed to feel angry while still being prevented from hitting.

They can feel disappointed while a boundary remains unchanged.

They can disagree with us without being allowed to hurt another person.

We might say: “I can see you're really angry. I won't let you hit me.” or: “I know you're disappointed. It's okay to feel disappointed, but the answer is still no.”

This distinction matters.

All feelings can be acknowledged. Not all behaviours can be accepted.

Helping children understand the difference allows us to communicate that there is nothing wrong with experiencing a strong emotion while also helping them learn that they remain responsible, increasingly as they develop, for what they do with it.

3. Start With Yourself

Strong behaviour from our children can create strong emotions in us too.

We may feel angry, frustrated, helpless, embarrassed or simply exhausted.

Sometimes the behaviour itself isn't the only challenge. It is what that behaviour triggers in us.

We might feel disrespected.
Ignored.
Judged by other people.
Out of control.
Or worried that if we don't deal with the behaviour immediately, we are somehow failing to parent effectively.

Before responding, where possible, notice what is happening for you.

Slow your breathing.
Lower your voice.
Use fewer words.
Notice your body language.

Try not to become drawn into an argument.

Remind yourself that you don't have to resolve everything immediately.

If your own frustration is becoming difficult to manage and your child is safe, creating a little space before continuing can sometimes help.

This isn't always easy.

Parents are human too, and there will be moments when we react rather than respond.

But becoming aware of our own emotional state gives us a greater chance of recognising when two overwhelmed people are beginning to escalate one another.

We cannot control our child's emotions.

But we can take responsibility for how we bring our own emotions into the moment.

Pause & Notice

When your child's behaviour becomes difficult, consider what happens inside you too.

What am I feeling right now?
What am I assuming about my child's behaviour?
Am I responding to what is actually happening, or to what I fear the behaviour means?
Do I need to deal with this immediately?
What would help me respond rather than simply react?

This isn't about blaming yourself for your child's behaviour.

It is about recognising that our emotional state becomes part of the interaction too.

4. When Emotions Are Running High

Safety Comes First

When behaviour creates an immediate risk of harm to the child or somebody else, safety becomes the priority.

Intervene calmly and appropriately and use simple, clear language:

“I won't let you hurt yourself.”
“I won't let you hit.”
“I'm going to move this so everyone stays safe.”

Not every difficult moment needs to become a teaching moment while it is happening.

There can be time to talk, reflect and understand later.

Keep It Simple

When emotions are running high, long explanations, repeated questions or demands for an apology can add more pressure.

Keep boundaries and instructions clear and brief.

Instead of: “I've told you three times that you need to stop doing that and you know perfectly well...” try: “I won't let you throw that.”

The aim in the moment may simply be to keep everyone safe and allow the intensity to reduce.

Understanding, accountability, consequences and problem-solving can come later when everyone is better able to participate.

Stay Available

Older approaches to behaviour sometimes encouraged adults simply to ignore certain behaviours.

There may still be occasions when choosing not to give significant attention to a minor behaviour is appropriate, but this is different from emotionally withdrawing from a child who is distressed.

Remain available.
Some children want closeness when they are upset.
Others need space.
Some want to talk.
Others find more words overwhelming.

We can begin to notice what helps our particular child.

You might simply say: “I'm here when you're ready.” or: “Would you like me to stay close or give you some space?”

We don't always need to fix the moment.

Sometimes being a calm, available adult is enough until the intensity begins to pass.

5. When Calm Returns, Reconnect

When the difficult moment has passed, reconnect.

This doesn't need to involve rewarding a child for becoming calm or immediately analysing everything that happened.

It might simply mean sitting together, having a hug if they want one, returning to an ordinary activity or allowing some quiet time.

A difficult moment doesn't have to become a difficult relationship.

Children need to know that boundaries remain, but so does our connection with them.

Reconnection also creates the conditions for what may need to happen next.

There may still be something to discuss.

Someone may need an apology.

Something may need putting right.

A consequence may remain.

But these conversations are often more useful when they happen after the emotional intensity has reduced rather than while everyone is still caught inside it.

6. Talk to Understand, Not to Shame

When the time feels right, we can become curious about what happened.

Instead of:“Why did you behave like that?” we might try: “That was a difficult moment. What was happening for you?”

Depending on the child's age, we might explore:

What were you feeling?
What happened just before things became difficult?
What did you need?
Was there anything that might have helped?
What could we try next time?

The purpose isn't to excuse behaviour.

It is to help children gradually understand the relationship between what happened, how they felt, what they did and what happened next.

This is how reflection begins to become useful.

A child can gradually move from: “I got angry.” towards: “I was already worried, then that happened, I became really angry and I reacted.” And eventually perhaps: “I recognise this feeling. I need to do something differently before it gets that far.”

That learning takes time.

If somebody was hurt, something was damaged or another person was affected, this is also an opportunity to think about responsibility and repair.

Understanding what happened and taking responsibility for what happened can exist together.

7. Was It Really a Choice?

Adults sometimes describe behaviour as a choice:

“You chose to behave that way.”

Sometimes that may be true.

Children can knowingly test boundaries, make decisions we don't agree with or behave in a particular way because they hope it will change an outcome.

But not every behaviour is a carefully considered choice.

Strong emotions, tiredness, fear, frustration, developmental stage and individual needs can all influence what a child is able to manage in a particular moment.

There is also a difference between having theoretically known another response and being able to access that response when overwhelmed.

Before deciding how to respond, it can therefore be useful to ask:

Was my child able to make a different choice in that moment?

and:

What might they need to help them respond differently next time?

That doesn't remove responsibility. Instead, it can help us identify what needs to be learned.

Perhaps the child needs another way to express anger:

More support with transitions.
Help recognising when they are becoming overwhelmed.
Clearer boundaries.
A different strategy for communicating what they need.
Or simply more opportunities to practise a skill that is still developing.

We can address the behaviour while remaining curious about what contributed to it.

8. Look for Patterns, Not Just Incidents

When the same behaviour happens repeatedly, it can be useful to look beyond the individual incidents.

Consider:

When does it usually happen?
What tends to happen beforehand?
Are particular transitions, environments or expectations involved?
Could tiredness, hunger, worry, frustration or overwhelm be contributing?
Is what I'm expecting realistic for my child's age, development and individual needs?
What seems to make these moments easier?

Patterns give us information.

A child who repeatedly struggles at the same point in the day may need something different at that point.

A behaviour that happens in one environment but rarely another may tell us something about the environment.

Repeated difficulty with a particular expectation may suggest that the expectation, communication or support around it needs looking at.

This doesn't mean changing everything to prevent children from ever becoming upset.

It means recognising that sometimes changing what happens before a difficult moment can be more effective than repeatedly responding to what happens afterwards.

Try This

If a behaviour is happening repeatedly, resist looking only at the behaviour itself.

For a little while, notice:

What happens before?
What happens during?
What happens afterwards?
When does the behaviour not happen?
What appears to help?

Sometimes the exceptions tell us as much as the difficulties.

9. Model What You Hope to See

Children learn a great deal about handling difficult moments from watching the adults around them.

Let them see you pause:

“I'm getting frustrated, so I'm going to take a minute before I answer.”

Let them see you change course:

“I'm sorry I shouted. I was frustrated, and I could have handled that differently.”

Let them see you repair when your behaviour has affected someone else.

And let them see that having strong emotions doesn't make somebody bad or difficult.

Adults become angry.

Frustrated.

Overwhelmed.

Impatient.

What matters is what we learn to do with those emotions and how we take responsibility when our actions affect other people.

We cannot reasonably ask children to develop emotional skills that we never demonstrate ourselves.

We don't need to demonstrate them perfectly.

We need to show that they can be learned, practised and repaired when they go wrong.

10. Once It Is Resolved, Allow It to Be Resolved

Once something has been talked through, responsibility taken where appropriate and anything that needs repairing has been addressed, try not to repeatedly bring the incident back as evidence against the child.

There may be occasions when something needs revisiting because a pattern is developing or an issue remains unresolved.

But repeatedly reminding children of previous mistakes can shift the focus from learning towards shame.

It can also unintentionally communicate:

This is who you are.

rather than:

This is something that happened and something we can learn from.

Address what happened.
Support the learning.
Repair what needs repairing.
Then allow space to move forward.

Behaviour & Strong Emotions Check-In

When behaviour becomes difficult, these questions may help you think beyond the immediate moment.

Safety
Does anybody need immediate protection or intervention?
Emotion
What might my child be feeling or experiencing?
My Response
What is happening emotionally for me?
Capacity
Was my child genuinely able to respond differently in that moment?
Boundary
What behaviour needs to be stopped or addressed?
Connection
How can I remain available without removing the boundary?
Learning
What might my child need to understand or practise for next time?
Responsibility
Does anything need to be acknowledged, repaired or put right?
Patterns
Is this an isolated incident or something that happens repeatedly?
Environment
Is there anything happening before these moments that we could understand or approach differently?

We won't always know the answer.

Sometimes behaviour is messy.

Sometimes children don't know why they did something either.

Curiosity isn't about finding the perfect explanation.

It simply keeps us open to understanding more than what we can immediately see.

When Behaviour Needs More Support

Strong emotions and challenging behaviour can be a normal part of childhood.

However, if you notice behaviour that is persistent, escalating, causing significant distress, affecting everyday life or creating concerns about your child's or another person's safety, seek appropriate professional advice or support.

You don't need to wait until a situation reaches crisis point before asking for help.

Seeking support can simply be another way of becoming curious about what a child may need.

A Final Thought

Behaviour can be challenging, particularly when we are tired, busy or managing our own emotions at the same time.

There isn't one response that will work for every child or every situation.

Sometimes children need a clear boundary.
Sometimes they need space.
Sometimes they need comfort.
Sometimes they need a consequence.
Sometimes they need help understanding what happened.
And sometimes we need to change something about the environment, expectation or our own response.

Our aim isn't simply to stop behaviour that we find difficult.

It is to become curious enough to ask:

What might be happening here?
What does my child need to learn?
And how can I help them move forward?

The Shift Space Takeaway

Understanding behaviour doesn't mean excusing it. It helps us respond to the child as well as the behaviour we can see.

Children need boundaries, accountability and opportunities to understand how their actions affect other people.

But they also need adults who remain curious about what may be influencing those actions and who recognise that emotional skills develop through experience, guidance, modelling and practice.

We can address what happened without defining the child by it.

We can maintain the boundary without withdrawing the relationship.

And when the difficult moment has passed, we can help them understand, repair, learn and move forward.

Behaviour tells us what happened. Curiosity can help us understand what may need to happen next.

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